yea...well I think it was a failure

So much has been going on in the world of Bould.  We are headed back to the United States.  As I reflect I think I knew deep in my soul that this was not the best move for us, but I wanted to do it and I wanted it to work for my husband.  We have had tremendous support since we have been here because his family is simply incredible, but we have not been the same.  Lots of fighting and lots of tears...all culminating in the idea that it is better for us if we head back to Arizona (thanks mom and dad) and then most likely back to Colorado.

I have a lesson about strengths and weaknesses that I used with my student council kids and then I would wrap the entire year around that idea.  The idea is that most people are so worried about fixing their weaknesses that they forget about their strengths...those things that make you happy and invigorate you.  We would talk about what their strengths were, how to play to their strengths, and how to stay on their strengths path...well I didn't just get off mine, I tripped and rolled down the side of the mountain hitting every tree on the way down.

The truth is we went about this move the wrong way...we should have moved to northern new england and filed paperwork for me and then we would have been close enough to look for jobs and I could have entered Canada allowed to work.  As it is I, in reality, probably would not be able to work for more than a year.  Now when we left Colorado I was pretty excited about not working.  I needed the break.  I have worked so hard teaching, continuing my education, and building leaders that I was tired and I really needed the break.  And then school started.  And I was a little sad because I wasn't in school...but it passed and I was still ok.  Now it has been 4 1/2 months, and a couple pounds, since I worked and I am sssooooo miserable it is unreal.  I truly realized what my path is and I needed to get back on it.

We also realized that moving around is not really what we want to do.  Once upon a time Sean and I had said that we could move around every couple of years and not really stay in one place...this move has made me realize that I am just tired of moving around.  And Sean has realized it too.  We have both realized that Colorado is the place we WANT to be.  To us it is perfect...great for the dogs and the perfect weather for both of us.  We have also realized that we need to work hard so when we decided we don't have to work any more we are comfortable enough and we can do what we want to do with a definite place to call home.

As we get ready to head back I am now wrestling with my feelings and emotions.  I know there was no way to anticipate this journey (or else it wouldn't have been a journey)...but I feel responsible for the way everything turned out.  I feel like I let Sean's family down, but teasing them with us being here and not staying and I feel guilty about all of the stress that was on my husband's shoulders about trying to support both of us.  I have had people tell me that I shouldn't feel that way, but I do and I don't regret it.  I have learned a lot about me and my relationship with this adventure and if we wouldn't have taken the leap I don't know if I would have these revelations....but I still feel bad.